odds and ends that you should find funny. updated whenever i think of something new.

fact: know what a night terror is? no? here. how about now? good. now imagine having them for two years straight. i pretty much had the same dream for two years. why? ghostbusters 2 and super mario 3. yes, i’m serious.

fact: i used to tell people that i knew ben folds personally. dave grohl, as well. i was convincing even to myself.

fact: i used to role-play online. vampires, magic, shit like that. at one time, my character had eleven women as wives or girlfriends or something along those lines, each thinking they were the one. they never found out.

fact: practically every night when i go to sleep, an image flashes in my head of holding a gun just underneath my chin and pulling the trigger. i have no need nor want to kill myself, it’s just remnants left over from when i did.

fact: in the fifth grade, they had a discipline system called ’strikes’ (given for anything from forgetting a book, to talking out of place, or in my case, living) - three of them, and you’re ‘out’ of the clubs they held every friday (art, computer, science, fun stuff to lighten the mood). if you’re ‘out’, you get to copy a pre-made essay on why you were bad, or why you’re out of clubs. in the ~32 weeks of school, i was in clubs.. twice. i copied that essay 30 times, give or take. the average strike count for a student was five to ten in the whole year. i had three hundred and seventy.

fact: i helped save a marriage and bring up a child without ever physically being there. in 2004, my friend online was faced with a lot of different problems. i was there to listen, to give advice, to even be a neutral party for him and his wife to talk to. a few months later, they had a baby (i asked for updates every week in the nine months), who i nicknamed Beck and i demand will stick for life.

fact: i moved five hours away from home for two years, half because i wanted high speed internet.

fact: i’ve punched my father in the face. it’s not something i’m proud of.

fact: the first cigarettes i ever smoked were with paul and mark at 12 years old. we found (read: stole) them from a neighbor’s construction site and smoked.. 2-3 each. chain smoked them. i’m not sure if i inhaled or not, but knowing me, i probably did it wrong. not knowing that cigarettes were biodegradable, we buried them, thinking we could come back to them if we wanted to. we never did. i went home that night with a pounding headache and told my mom what we had done. i didn’t get in trouble because i think she took pity on me.

fact: if i’m alone with someone in a public bathroom, they’re in a stall and i’m not, after finishing, sometimes i’ll lift the handle to the sink faucet and let it run for five seconds to make it seem like i’m washing my hands when i’m not. apparently public opinion matters to me more than i’d like to admit. (though if that were true, i would probably just wash my hands in the first place.)

fact: i’ve never had a girlfriend that lives within.. 150 miles of me. surprised? yeah, i didn’t think so.

fact: i pirate more things than you and your whole family combined.