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oh i don’t know, i don’t know where to begin - we are north americans
and for those of you who still think we’re from england, we’re like.. no.
we’ve been on planes and on trains til we think we might die, far from north america
where the buildings are old and you might have lots of mimes, uh huh huh.
my dreams are all dead and buried
sometimes i wish the sun would just explode
when god comes and calls me to his kingdom
i’ll take all ya sons of bitches when i go

GUESS WHO’S BACK IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN HOUSE WITH A FAT DICK FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN MOUTH.
i just need my number and location
and the wall keeps telling me
hey hey, hey hey
hey hey, the devil may
hey hey, hey hey, hey hey
you are a fool, you are a fool
for sticking round, for sticking ’round
there are things going on in my life that are making things very turbulent but i cannot address them here. which is a first. school is going okay. boring, but okay. panicky, but okay. forced, but okay.
my sunflowers are doing very well, ‘cept for the first one that bloomed. “he’s become so massive he’s collapsed in on himself like a neutron star!” which is basically what happened. dude was HUGE and sorta.. deflated inward.
write more later.
time goes by at such a pace
it’s funny how it’s easy to forget her face
you hide the cracks the facts will find you
turn your back and leave the lonely days behind you, now
you better put it behind you now
you better put it behind you now
too much to hold on, hold on to
you better put it behind you now
i bury myself in music. i can’t get enough. i find a new artist, a new album, or a new single and drive it into the ground over and over and over with repeated listenings. i’ll get sick of that single and give the rest of the album a try, and usually find another song that’s awesome and repeat the process (unless the artist is consistently awesome, then i’ll listen to it all in one sitting), until i’m so sick of the whole album that i can’t stand hearing it for another few months. then i’ll rediscover it again and the process repeats altogether.
music narrates my life. i can’t go anywhere without my ipod, and it’s almost always on shuffle. i can look at my pictures, my logs, my writing and see what music was influencing me at that period in time. music creates strange memories at strange times, and you never forget them.
you relate to music, you make it your own. the lyrics of someone else become your lyrics. your images, you relate line x in song y to person z. or place z. time z, so on and so forth. jana calls it “soundtracking her life” - and it works pretty well. i’ve done that before. years ago, i made a double CD with every song i felt that described every emotion i could possibly fathom and even then two cd’s weren’t nearly enough. i felt i had to limit it somewhere. it stayed in my car’s CD changer for two and a half years, i think. even made an album cover, jacket, so on and so forth. i called it, appropriately, “soundtrack to your life”
i’m sure if i listened to it now i’d break down crying, considering most of the songs were during the last few years of high school and i was intensely depressed.
today i heard a song that i haven’t heard in years, semisonic’s “singing in my sleep” and while it never brought up any specific memories, it created a new one: mary. i was thinking of our conversation/e-mails the other night and it’s now buried in my head, and i’m sure years from now when i hear that song again, it’ll come up the way it did today.
you’re leaving so soon?
never had a chance to bloom
but you were so quick
to change your tune.
don’t look back
if i’m a weight around your neck
’cause if you don’t need me,
then i don’t need you.
things change, people change. i’m moving forward, albeit slowly.
i’m in a progressive stage.
come on now
who do you
who do you
who do you
who do you think you are?
hahaha!
bless your soul!
you really think you’re in control?
birthday’s coming up. twenty-four. hi! i’m old! and yet, in my head, i’m still stuck at sixteen! somewhere i stunted myself and i have a wonderful inability to grow up. barring all the internal problems i have, here’s my list, if you’re curious:
1. 1gb RAM
2. klipsch promedia 5.1 ultra
3. a new three wood (golf club)
4. guinness pint glasses
5. barnes and noble gift card
6. half life 2: episode 1
7. headcrab plush (which is now sold out. FUCK.)
8. a hat/shoe rack for this space behind my door to keep my room a little cleaner.
9. money!
most of it’s rather inexpensive, ‘cept for the speakers. ram’s only seventy. and god dammit, i knew i should have ordered that headcrab sooner. LAME.
had to housesit for my dad last weekend. wasn’t too bad, driving back and forth from washington to greenville is a bitch. i could have stayed, but i don’t like that house, and the beds are like stone. plus no eats. NO EATS, I DON’T STAY. it’s funny though, i thought that dad getting married would change what he had in his fridge, but even in greenville it’s just condiments, flavored water, ned’s drinks, and beer. pantry has candy, more condiments, cookies, and maybe bread/sandwich stuff. maybe. plus when i’m there, the dogs do not. shut. up. last time i house.. sat? for them, they spent all night circling the house, and fighting with each other. i’m pretty sure the neighbors hate those dogs by now.
alongside that, dad asked me to break up this 3-4″ deep concrete (with wires in it for strength, yee-haw), load up the bricks and concrete into the truck and take them to the dump. even with mark, paul, AND joe’s help, we didn’t get down through it. we broke it up pretty decently though, and loaded the bricks into the truck. that’s about as far as we got. concrete is a bitch.
also last weekend, paul and i played golf, and kinda.. charged a lot to dad’s account on food and drink. beer is expensive at golf courses. food too. there’s a “minimum” they have to spend monthly, but still, the month is only half over. dad doesn’t read this, but if he happens upon it, sorry! you had to spend it anyway, right? RIGHT? that dumb woman left the bacon off our bacon and egg sandwiches too. blah.
he wants to play at bradford creek on friday or saturday, but i might ask if we can play at cypress landing but after seeing their horrible website, i may not go there. christ, GET A REAL DESIGNER, YOU FUCKS.
saw that movie poseidon. well. downloaded it. it was pretty awful. i think richard dreyfuss is gay in it, too, but i couldn’t tell. haha mmmmm.. RICHARD DREYFUSS! inside joke, you wouldn’t get it. or rather, you would, considering the only person reading this is paul.
oh. the portrait. have i mentioned this? searching this site says i haven’t. okay, here goes.
so stephanie wants portraits of the whole family. not together. individual. her’s is already done, a HUGE 6′ painting that is basically a ripoff of gone with the wind. blue velvet dress, demure look, sitting to the right while looking at the painter, so the eyes follow you everywhere, it’s fucking creepy. ned’s is done too, barefoot on a couch with one leg tucked under him, looking at the viewer with a frown on his face. reminds me of viggo from ghostbusters 2 - and if you’ve read my facts page, well..
SO ANYWAY. dad, katy, and i have to get one done as well. don’t get me wrong, the lady’s extremely nice, but she.. apologizes too much. granted, i was in a rush, but i’ll get to that later. the first time they mentioned it to katy and i, they asked what background i wanted. i answered honestly, i wanted the apocolypse in the background with a robot army behind me at my disposal, and my pose would be something like this:
so yeah, that would be awesome, right? i thought so too. katy said she wanted to be sitting on a toilet, in a pose of the thinker, rows and rows of books behind her, with a lit-up lightbulb over her head. we were fucking howling at this point, it was hilarious and they said we could have whatever we wanted. stephanie just kind of.. laughed and brushed it off. dad said it was okay with him, which meant if it’s okay with stephanie, then it’s okay with him. of course, i’m sure stephanie made sure the artist said BLACK BACKGROUND DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
also on the way home, katy and i had the idea that my friends and i should commission someone to get all of us painted like
a) queen, in bohemian rhapsody or
b) mount fucking rushmore
again with the howling, the hilarity, it sounds fucking awesome and one day i am going to do it.
back to the story, i had my “posing” last weekend, and it was.. painful. the woman is very nice, but she doesn’t.. you know, stop talking. that’s alright, that’s fine. that’s how some people are. but i didn’t really want to be there in the first place, no offense to her. she took like 90 pictures, made me change my shirt once, changed the background twice, and i headed off to play golf with paul. i’d rather not see what my pictures look like. they’re gonna look retarded anyway. though she was the woman who took the picture that’s linked up on the top left up there. katy and i actually said we’d have no problem with her painting THAT picture because we both think it’s the best picture we’ve ever taken, but she said that stephanie insisted on two separate portraits. great.
so my portrait is probably going to be me in a dark grey shirt, against a dark red background, standing with my arms crossed. hopefully she’ll choose one where i’m smiling, at least. one with me frowning would be way too damn gothic. i’ll take a picture of the portrait when it’s done, i’m sure it’ll be horrifyingly embarassing.
i just thought of something to ask for for my birthday.
10. compressed air
cos i glanced at my case’s temperature monitor and it said 103 - IDLING. pretty clogged up in there. and air is expensive! six bucks for aerosol, fuck you. :(
anyway. looking forward to guinness and golf again this weekend. maybe having some money from housesitting. and letting my fingers recover from typing this novel of an entry. sayonara.
being sick sucks. fucking. dick. and apparently it’s bronchitis. yay! i must have caught it early with the antibiotics i started taking, cos it’s a little better today. i’m not coughing with each breath. nose clear, i don’t cough. if i don’t keep it clear, that’s another story.
still have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow for, if anything, replacing the antibiotics i’m using that are actually my sister’s. she had a full bottle of cefadroxil around for when she thought she had a sinus infection.
i picked up kingdom hearts 2 and grandia 3 with all the gift certificates best buy sent me after dad bought that flatscreen TV, and i haven’t felt like playing either. kind of understandable, but i don’t feel like playing really any game, at the moment. i played through condemned, but that was all of.. ten hours? if even that. it was pretty decent for a game built in nine months though.
sorrow drips into your heart
through a pin-hole
just like a faucet that leaks
and there is comfort in the sound
but while you debate
half-empty or half-full
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown
i’ve never become sick of this song. if i hear it, i won’t turn it off. i might not want to hear it if i have a choice of something else at the time, but i won’t turn it off.
which reminds me. i got bitched at for not going to see death cab with jana. no offense to her, but i completely forgot that i could ask her to go with me instead of the brushoff girl that was too paranoid to meet me. (we had spoken for months beforehand [i've written about her here], she mentioned that i was “expecting too much” and we haven’t spoken since. god forbid i want to *gasp* just hang out with you. gimme a break.) well, that was fifty dollars well spent. at least it wasn’t my money. hooray poker!
i’ve got a garden! yeah, it’s like.. 3ft by 1ft and it’s currently growing the only plant i give a shit to grow: sunflowers. mammoth sunflowers. if i take care of them and they grow (i planted fifteen seeds, haw!), they can reach up to seven to twelve feet! :D sunflowers rock. they’re huge and they’re fuckin’ happy. turn to the rising sun in the east, head up at noon, watch the sun go down, and then look down and go to sleep.
on saturday, we saw silent hill. katy and i had huge expectations of this movie, and i was told that “what it does good, it does extremely well, but what it does bad, it does horrendously.” which was absolutely true. the dialog was god. fucking. awful. i could get better acting from a cardboard box, and i’m not even a director. but the monsters and setting could not have been better. absolutely fucking true of the game series, and made me want to play #2 again. the story of the movie was fucking convoluted and retarded, but the same could be said for the first game - at least that was a little more.. held together. all in all, for the five bucks i paid to see it, it was.. OKAY. not great, not horrible. OKAY.
may go play golf on wednesday. that ought to be.. frustrating. at least the course’ll be a little less crowded since it’s a weekday.
what is my infatuation with getting involved with married and/or engaged women? i’m the dumbest shit on the planet.
sorrow drips into your heart
through a pinhole,
just like a faucet that leaks,
and there is comfort in the sound.
but while you debate
half-empty or half-full,
it slowly rises
your love is gonna drown.
grace under pressure..
cooling arm across my brow,
eyes of an angel,
lay me down.
like constant techno beats running through my head
i can’t resolve anything in what you just said
doesn’t matter, tonight’s december 31st, 1999
will we prosper? will we die? ten minutes to the line
we’ve got five minutes left, my friend
and if this is it, i’ll see you in the end
the progress, the work won’t amount to shit
if at this time the gods decide to throw a fit
caught in the years
the festivities ringing in my ears
at the end, i have you near
hold my hand
close your eyes
the end of the millenium is here
there’s one minute left of tonight
my mind’s now filling with death and fright
i don’t want to die now, not like this
lean up to me, give me one last kiss
at this rate, i’ll just worry myself to death
and i begin to savor every last breath
raise your eyes, look up to the top
everyone counts, the ball’s about to drop
caught in the years
the festivities ringing in my ears
at the end, i have you near
hold my hand
close your eyes
the end of the millenium is here