Category

women

• friends, miscellaneous, whine, women, writing

  the biggest headache in the world.

  06.25.06 | Permalink | 1 Comment

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  Oh, shit. I’m a nerd. And not one of the cool nerds, either, that may have a casual interest in games, or can function outside of their normal comfort zones. No, I’m a lonely nerd. And the last few days have really come crashing down on my ass, hard.

  I’ve become a myspace whore. I’ve looked around personals sites. None of them interest me, and if they do, they’re either involved by now, or I’m too proud to slap down the money to contact them through the site. Are my standards too high? I think I’m a decent looking guy, right? I’m not goofy looking, or anything. Why do I find myself so socially inept?

  I have friends. A close-knit group of Paul, Mark, Joe, Emilio, and sometimes Eric and Kelly Ray, so what the fuck is the problem? Talking with someone I know is no problem. People would call me quiet. You’re fucking right I’m quiet, and it’s annoying. I have the ability to write all of this, pages upon pages of fiction and conversation over the internet but when I try and open my mouth with someone I just met or start a conversation with someone..

  “…”

  It’s not even about the sex anymore. I could lower my standards if all I wanted was to get laid. I mentioned it before here that I would kill to feel in love again, or feel something for someone other than friends or family.

  Am I this awkward? Am I viewed as unapproachable? Does something about me say stay away? I go out with my friends, albeit not as much as I COULD, I do. To bars, to see bands, to just hang out. Is it because I have nothing to offer? That makes me feel even more pathetic, because at the moment I’m not in a position to change that yet. Is it because I smoke? No, my friends do and they seem to get along just fine.

  So what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can’t function like everyone else? What am I missing?

  I need an answer, because I feel like I’m losing my mind.

• friends, whine, women, writing

  confession via e-mail.

  06.19.06 | Permalink | 2 Comments

  Let me tell you this. I have.. a problem. A big problem. I find myself doubly attracted to women that are, in my mind, very unattainable. You can now consider yourself one of them. It may have stemmed from when I was role-playing, the need to see if I could get this girl, into that bed, in so many words. It wasn’t a game, it was just.. the inevitable conclusion. Acting out sex was fun, no one did it the same way, and I was a horny teenager, what the hell did I know?

  Unfortunately, that attitude has crossed over, and now bleeds into my normal life. I haven’t had a girlfriend in..

  ..

  ..

  ..let’s say years. Because I don’t know otherwise. In my loneliness, I’ve actually come to think that I could convert a lesbian - one of my best friends - to someone who could come to love me, emotionally, and physically. The fact that she mentions that - if she ever did sleep with a man, I would be him - didn’t help. And this was RECENTLY, Mary. In the last year.

  I’ve never had a real girlfriend. This, this text is all I’ve really ever had. Sure, I’ve done the long distance thing quite a few times, but it’s never worked out. I had become.. satisfied with what lack of contact I had with these girls, able to placate myself, a pleasure delayer, basically. Happiness in slavery! Fitting saying. Here, where I live, there is really nothing out there for someone like me. It’s simply.. intelligence. I want a woman that I can match wits with, is all. and there is no one like that in this town. Or if they are, they’re just as secluded as me, not partial to the bar scene. And it’s not for lack of trying, I have gone to bars - granted, never talking to any girls there - I’ve seen what this area has to offer, or a very thin cross-section, and I haven’t seen anything worth it. I need intelligence. I wasn’t lying when I said looks don’t matter. I crave it. If it’s not there, I can’t function.

  I’m coming to a point in my life where I need someone. But in that same view, that someone would never accept me, who I am at the moment. I live with my mother and sister. I smoke. I drink. I - currently - have the education of a tenth grader, on paper. GED, sure. Some college, yeah. I start on Tuesday, but school and I have.. never really meshed well together.

  I’m not someone who stands out in a crowd of people to women, and it’s frustrating. That word can’t possibly cover what I feel when I hear my friends talk about their “conquests” basically, they’re interests, their girlfriends, or friends-that-are-girls.. I haven’t had these experiences, I long for them, I *pine* over them. Most of the time, all I hear about relationships is bitching, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting one of my own.

  I’d kill for my heart to hurt when a certain person isn’t around. I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of *using* my heart, Mary. I haven’t felt anything more than a dull beat through these last few years. I miss the feeling of waiting for someone to come online, then their name pops up and everything is right with the world. This is the equivalent of someone physically opening a door and visiting you at your house, coming home, to say. I’ve never had that. I wish I did. I wish I can experience it, but again - I’m nothing impressive.

  There was a time that you were that for me. But you never seemed interested. Or I read you wrong. Or I never made my move, which, by your story, I fucking should have long ago.

  I need someone, Mary. I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve lived my life in solitude for too fucking long, and honestly, I’m sick of it.

  And, no offense to you, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You’re happy, and nearly engaged. You’re in no position to help me, but you asked me to write you back, and this is what you get.

  So. No Gabriel, no lawyer, I’m not sure how you pictured me, but what you’re hearing is basically a pathetic waste of someone who just happens to have quite a large vocabulary.

  Adios, muchacha.

  – Robs

• family, whine, women, writing

  the life that was.

  03.04.06 | Permalink | 2 Comments

  i was in the bath and 15 minutes in, i couldn’t stop thinking of the life i had in midlothian. 2 parents, 2 kids, 2 story house, sitcom fodder, you know? but today i had a hard time not thinking about it. the problem was, i was having trouble remembering little details here and there. like the attic in that house. i didn’t go up there often, but i remembered the smell and the layout. today i couldn’t. i know this seems like a tiny thing to be worried about, but i grew up in that house and it kind of pissed me off that i couldn’t remember. same with the garage. i have a basic layout, but items that i should remember, items that never moved, i don’t. i have trouble placing them. for example - now this is going to sound really strange - we had a toilet that, when flushed, sounded like a phil collins song. there’s some symbolism there, but it’s something that always stuck with me.

  now it’s gone. small and insignificant things to the rest of the world, but they start eating away at me.

  that led to another thought about leaving that house and moving here. when i started school, there was a girl i had a huge crush on. also, had i stuck around, i could have taken a film class that my english teacher also taught. that got me thinking, and my imagination runs wild. some people tell their crushes how they feel, or give them presents or other affections. me? i wrote a screenplay. i shit you not, i wrote a script for a short movie that starred her and i in one of those stupid coming-of-age (as they call it) teenage love stories. anything and everything i wished to happen, i wrote in there. looking back on it, it was pretty pathetic. i had a musical score and locations scouted out, actors and actresses, names, a story.. it was 15 pages long when i gave it up. i showed it to some mutual friends (she had some of the same friends that i did) and they thought it was good, but it wasn’t the way to go about doing what i had set out to do: tell her how i felt.

  i think she got wind of it somehow from our friends, and wanted to read it. i’m not quite sure how she reacted, i don’t really remember. maybe i blocked it cos it was a bad reaction. i think she thought it was “nice.” or something equally devastating. either way, she didn’t return the feelings. she had her own crush on some jock fuck from the football team.

  so after i dropped out (they had pushed me down to the level of a freshman. i was still tehcnically a sophomore but only in age and one credit above being a freshman. some of the credits from my previous school - ten times better than this piece of shit school - didn’t transfer. so i dropped out.), a year or so later, i hear she’s pregnant. somehow i found that to be.. hilarious.

  maybe someday i’ll post the screenplay for you but i really doubt it. it’s really, really bad. half the reason i wrote it is cos of her, the other half was cos of the music i was listening to.

  i get inspired by the weirdest shit.

• miscellaneous, women

  maybe.

  02.24.06 | Permalink | 2 Comments

  i wonder if i’m chasing amy.

• friends, miscellaneous, women

  the drunken psychologist.

  01.14.06 | Permalink | Comment?

  went out to greenville last night with paul, mark, and joe. we headed downtown (strangely enough, a few years ago i wouldn’t have dared go out to bars. just wasn’t my thing.) to a bar, and started drinking. about an hour, 2 beers, and one shot later, we decided to move next door to play pool.

  aside from the fact that you could actually stretch your arms out on either side of yourself without hitting anyone if you wanted, the place was a lot more comfortable than the bar. plus i’m king of 9-ball. won 3 games in a row. about an hour or two passed, and i was sobering up, so joe and i flipped a coin to see who would continue drinking, and who would continue to be the DD. i won, but i didn’t feel like drinking anymore, so i took the keys. we played a few more games and headed out ‘cos all of us were hungry. picked up two slices of pizza and watched as paul’s frat brother pete started throwing pieces of crust at people waiting in line. i had my back turned so it didn’t look like it was my fault. otherwise i would have been laughing my ass off.

  after that, we piled into the car (along with a girl named sara and paul’s two frat brothers) and headed to pete’s house. by this time the rain was coming down pretty hard in sheets, so we stayed there til it let up. then, by some strange coincidence, i became a taxi driver.

  i took mark home since he had to work today, and on the way he asked me about sara (their involvement is strange. he’s apeshit about her but she keeps stringing him along) and what he should do. i gave him advice the best i could, and drove back to the other apartment. after.. 5-10 minutes, joe, paul, and sara (who was apparently glad i ’saved her life’ from the other frat brother who was doing his best to play jack johnson on his ipod for her and then make a move as she was listening to it.. i was going out for a cigarette and she zoomed out to join me since they don’t smoke inside..) all got back into the car, and i dropped paul off, then sara, and joe and i headed back to washington. on the way, we bitched about sara, then it switched to joe’s on again off again girlfriend who’s leading him around. i gave him the same advice i gave mark. sometimes the only way to get through to those kinds of people is with an ultimatum, and you might not like the answer.

  i dropped myself off and by this time joe was sober, he drove himself home. i came in after the dogs woke everyone up by barking their heads off, browsed the shack for a bit, demanded to myself that i find the beastie boys’ “remote control”, which i’ve been listening to nonstop since i woke up, before i went to bed - and finally crashed around 4:30 or so.

  and here i am. you can refer to me as Psychologist to the Drunks!

• lyrics, whine, women

  always the same bullshit.

  11.14.05 | Permalink | Comment?

  what is my infatuation with getting involved with married and/or engaged women? i’m the dumbest shit on the planet.

  sorrow drips into your heart
  through a pinhole,
  just like a faucet that leaks,
  and there is comfort in the sound.
  but while you debate
  half-empty or half-full,
  it slowly rises
  your love is gonna drown.

• computers, family, miscellaneous, whine, women

  yeah.

  10.29.05 | Permalink | 3 Comments

  i hate fall. and you’ll hate it too because the tone of my entries get a lot darker.

  with it comes all sorts of reflection and disappointments in what i’ve done with my life and what i haven’t. i’m scared shitless to go to school and i don’t want to go to work because i’d be stuck in a dead end job with no degree backing me.

  my worries as of now are:

  —

  a) my computer. getting it back, and not even knowing if the motherboard and/or processor was the actual fault. so even if i get perfectly working components, it may not even be that in the first place. not to mention that gigabyte is fucking me over. when i called today to check on the RMA status, i was told by a guy that it would be “up to three weeks.” i got incredibly pissed and called back, and negotiated with a nice woman who said she’d “put a note on my RMA in order to prioritize it and expedite return shipping by FedEx instead of UPS Ground.” I asked if there was any way I could even pay to have it rushed, she said no. and of course, gigabyte does no cross-shipping under any circumstances, so.. fuck.

  b) money. i have 287 dollars. my bills for november will be 256 dollars. i have no job. under the assumption that i start school, dad will provide me with 250/mo as a stipend. leaving me six dollars short each month. asking my dad for more money would be like asking god if charles manson could go to heaven. bad analogy, but it’s all i could come up with at the time.

  c) school. as i said before, scared shitless of it, job as well. maybe i don’t want the responsibility. maybe i’m just a lazy shit. i don’t know. all i do know is that things won’t change if i don’t change them. i have to do something but i can’t. force. myself. to. do. anything. it’s like being frozen in place, knowing your life is shit, but unable to do anything.

  d) women. when’s the last time i got laid, or fuck, really talked or touched a girl i was interested in? ten thousand people in this town, i’m pretty sure there’s only.. one or two out there that i’d be interested in, and knowing how things work out, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

  e) christmas. yeah. where am i going to get the money to buy presents? i have 25 shares of stock left which would get me a little over a thousand dollars, but if i sold that, that would be it. zero. zilch. my parents’ investment for me which at one point was about eight to ten thousand dollars, now reduced to this.

  —

  looking back at all of this, i realize one thing: from 17-23, i have literally pissed my life away. pissed my resources, my future nest egg (granted they said when i was a kid and asked about it that i could use it at my discretion, i don’t think they meant it like this), my education (though that’s still on the table).

  jesus christ, because of all this i am afraid of aging. i’m afraid of getting older because of the responsibility and the problems i’ll face. i’m twenty-fucking-three, how sad is that?

• computers, friends, hurricanes, whine, women

  hot damn. / ophelia coverage 5.

  09.16.05 | Permalink | 1 Comment

  i may have been prepared for the worst, but i’m glad it came out to be the best. it was a lot of work to get all that crap up and ready for the hurricane and even though it was a waste of time, better safe the sorry, huh?

  today joe calls me right as i wake up (er.. which is 12pm) and asks about 5.1 surround for his computer. in return for him working on the generator and helping with the hurricane stuff, i’ll go help him pick one out and install it for him. maybe they have a turtle beach montego somewhere. i heard they really came back from the gutter lately. but joe likes instant gratification, and unfortunately unless we go to greenville, the only instant gratification store around here is either office depot or wal-mart. not really known for their selection of sound cards.

  so she and i had a falling out, and i don’t really care. i realized something, if it doesn’t concern her, she doesn’t give a shit. not once did she ask me if i was okay with that big hurricane barrelling through my front yard. and i don’t need a friend like that. even one of the people i know in hawaii asked me if i was okay at least once every 12 hours. and this is someone in the same state as she is. give me a break.

  anyone wanna go see death cab on oct. 27th? heh.

• miscellaneous, whine, women

  great.

  09.14.05 | Permalink | 1 Comment

  it’d be nice if she’d take time out of her busy schedule to, i don’t know.. talk to me. and she still hasn’t told me if she’ll be able to go to the concert or not.

  ended up watching ffvii: advent children last night and it was pretty damn cool. it was what the spirits within should have been.

  there’s a place between reality and fantasy that’s been documented, called the uncanny valley - it’s where people watching robots or characters that have been created on a computer, feel revulsion rather than connection due to something about the character being “not quite right” even though the technology makes them so close to looking exactly human. once they make that hurdle to indistinguishable (usually by adding small details such as muscle movement, breathing, blinking, subtle facial movements, and as that wiki article mentions, perspiration) from humans, then the emotional response returns to normal, connected.

  ffvii:ac stepped back from what tsw was. it made the characters too perfect, just slightly cartoony, instead of tsw’s try at blemishes, pores, and other marks things that make a human, well.. human. while this helped, it wasn’t enough without the subtle nuances listed above.

  since ffvii:ac avoided this altogether, it kept the movie afloat just above the uncanny valley and the bad aspects of CG characters.

  flying in the air and swinging 100lb swords around like they were pencils didn’t hurt either.

• music, women

  if i could open my eyes.

  09.04.05 | Permalink | Comment?

  Death Cab For Cutie Ticketing - at Disco Rodeo
  at Disco Rodeo (10/27/2005,6:00 pm EST)

  2 General Admission

  —

  it’s up to her now. heh.

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