Category

whine

• family, miscellaneous, whine

  ah, how revealing.

  12.19.08 | Permalink | 1 Comment

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  before i woke up today, i had a dream:

  somehow, i had been transported back in time to when my family lived in richmond. back to when my mom and dad were still together, katy hadn’t gone off to college. i’d say i was middle school. part of me has always wanted, no, pined to go back and try and fix my life from there, stay and graduate from james river, go to college, do the normal life thing. and there in my dream, i had the ability.

  but i was miserable.

  in my dream, i was miserable, i wandered around the house, looking at all these things, with the knowledge of what happens, with the knowledge of being 26, and i couldn’t stand it. i’d look at my twin beds in my room, the desk i never used, my closet, and it was terrifying. i knew i had a chance to change it, but if i did, i’d never know my life the way it is now, with the friends i have now, joe, paul, mark, sure i knew them around middle school, but our friendship was nowhere as close. by then they were in gastonia, i think, anyway.

  and dad was there. don’t get me wrong, i love my dad, i do, but let me give you an example from back in the real world: when i moved to charlotte to live with him, mom and katy came to help me move in. that night, we all went out to dinner, all of us. and sat in the same booth. like it was before they divorced. and the look, and the feel of it was so alien and strange to me, that i had to excuse myself to go outside and take myself out of the situation.

  in the dream, i took the opportunity to tell mom which companies to invest in, google, for one, and that i would come up with more when they came to me, but beyond that, what could i possibly do to fix my life from there? aside from gaming time travel to get rich, or finding a way to keep myself in school then, what would be the point?

  and i woke up, feeling miserable, just as miserable as i was in the dream. so, as it turns out, my dreams are more revealing than anything. what you crave might not always be what you end up wanting.

  i still feel terrible. today’s gonna be a shitty day.

• miscellaneous, whine

  i can convince myself.

  06.27.08 | Permalink | Comment?

  it takes a lot of willpower to step in the opposite direction from something you want.

• miscellaneous, music, whine

  “E.”

  05.11.08 | Permalink | Comment?

  i still think about you even though you can be a bit of a drama queen. the package as an example. i stepped back when you asked, thanks for holding up your end. really.

  in any case, i’m not here to bitch. that’s a totally different category. more like whine, i think. is there a word for in-between? you pop in my head every now and then. half wish you’d get out half wish you’d stay in.

  so here’s a song for you. but who’s singing to whom?

  just want the words? fast forward to 4:30. i know how you get impatient.

  Download Death Cab - I Will Possess Your Heart

• lyrics, miscellaneous, whine

  get innocuous.

  04.26.08 | Permalink | 1 Comment

  oh i don’t know, i don’t know where to begin - we are north americans
  and for those of you who still think we’re from england, we’re like.. no.
  we’ve been on planes and on trains til we think we might die, far from north america
  where the buildings are old and you might have lots of mimes, uh huh huh.

• miscellaneous, whine

  learning guitar is a bitch.

  04.07.08 | Permalink | 1 Comment

  MY FUCKING FINGERS HURT.

  but i can play three songs!

• bitch, miscellaneous, whine, writing

  if you could see my face right now.

  02.09.08 | Permalink | 2 Comments

  cleaning out my bookshelf led to the discovery of like.. four different written journals from 99-02 and it was fucking. pathetic. like, i was the epitome of emo. EPITOME. it was embarrassing to the point of wondering if i could burn these things when i was done.

  every goddamn entry was something about dad and how i hate him, boohoo slit wrists WHO GIVES A SHIT. i was an angst-ridden fuck back then. i’m still angsty, but usually not about that anymore. sure, i’ll have emo entries here now and then, but shit, they’re not as whiny as they were. at least i’d like to hope so.

  i still think i was stupid for letting marianne go, though.

• whine, writing

  thoughts from the toilet.

  09.22.07 | Permalink | Comment?

  i’ve done some retarded shit so far in my life. lies i’ve told, things like that. and some of them have been very big lies, and that i still carry around for a certain reason - people still believe them, and without it a good majority of my life would be nullified. maybe when i get my shit together, i’ll reveal them.

  things i’ve written and sent, shown, presented. there are plenty of things i’ve long since lost or deleted in shame that i ever created them. borderline goth shit, you know? self-pity and despair, and i think about the way i look at goth kids now (i’m not saying don’t wear black, i wear black, but color isn’t a bad thing. cheer up, shitheads) and i can’t seem to comprehend how i could ever have been like that. it’s fucking embarrassing.

  images with me frowning and making an a-ok sign, text saying “i’m not happy i just fake it really well”

  flash animations set to vertical horizon (shut up) detailing how i don’t think i deserve to live ‘cos “oh no, you’re sad”

  and a blog full of self-depreciating bullshit. many blogs, actually. at.drac.org, drac.org/valesti, and this, this isn’t really all that different, i suppose, i’ve just learned to word my feelings better than two primary emotions i used to express all my previous feelings: anger and sadness. now it’s all over the map, but it’s still just a blog, in which the majority of the population use as a journal to talk about their problems. so that’s more of the blog facilitating for me, though i could write about more happy stuff. could lighten the mood.

  now, i can chalk it up to a legitimate reason, i have been clinically depressed before. but that’s only half of it. were the images and writing, animations and other shit a form of therapy? i think this blog might be. i’ve shown it to my therapist. ex-therapist. i left after he struck a nerve with me. the truth hurts and apparently i wasn’t too keen on facing it.

  just need to get my shit together, yeah? yeah.

• miscellaneous, whine

  i exist!

  02.07.07 | Permalink | Comment?

  still around. i keep thinking of great things to write about at like 4am, then come the next day i don’t want to write about them anymore. creative at night, when i’m tired. i hate that aspect of my imagination.

  i have yet to get a job, i have 30-some dollars to my name. i am the king of procrastination. i keep putting it off and putting it off and pushing myself further into debt with this stupid fucking credit card, and i don’t know what’s stopping me. i’m such a stupid fucker.

  the webcam’s been on now for a while, if you care to look. ‘cos i am oh so interesting.

• miscellaneous, whine

  breakdown city.

  07.18.06 | Permalink | Comment?

  i spent 1.5 hours crying today. school related. a panic attack, basically. stemmed from the possibility that the 30 hours i already have might not transfer. i lost it. i can’t.. do this shit anymore. i need to do something, but i can’t do anything.

  i’m back on zoloft.

  i may quit school and get a job.

  i don’t even know.

• friends, miscellaneous, whine, women, writing

  the biggest headache in the world.

  06.25.06 | Permalink | 1 Comment

  Oh, shit. I’m a nerd. And not one of the cool nerds, either, that may have a casual interest in games, or can function outside of their normal comfort zones. No, I’m a lonely nerd. And the last few days have really come crashing down on my ass, hard.

  I’ve become a myspace whore. I’ve looked around personals sites. None of them interest me, and if they do, they’re either involved by now, or I’m too proud to slap down the money to contact them through the site. Are my standards too high? I think I’m a decent looking guy, right? I’m not goofy looking, or anything. Why do I find myself so socially inept?

  I have friends. A close-knit group of Paul, Mark, Joe, Emilio, and sometimes Eric and Kelly Ray, so what the fuck is the problem? Talking with someone I know is no problem. People would call me quiet. You’re fucking right I’m quiet, and it’s annoying. I have the ability to write all of this, pages upon pages of fiction and conversation over the internet but when I try and open my mouth with someone I just met or start a conversation with someone..

  “…”

  It’s not even about the sex anymore. I could lower my standards if all I wanted was to get laid. I mentioned it before here that I would kill to feel in love again, or feel something for someone other than friends or family.

  Am I this awkward? Am I viewed as unapproachable? Does something about me say stay away? I go out with my friends, albeit not as much as I COULD, I do. To bars, to see bands, to just hang out. Is it because I have nothing to offer? That makes me feel even more pathetic, because at the moment I’m not in a position to change that yet. Is it because I smoke? No, my friends do and they seem to get along just fine.

  So what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can’t function like everyone else? What am I missing?

  I need an answer, because I feel like I’m losing my mind.

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